"Normal" is Just Shorthand for People You Don't Know Anything About

So I'm out of town for a little while visiting the Lady Shawnon over the holidays.  But since I'm a busybody and I'm perpetually running behind on everything, I've still found ways of tinkering on various costume projects while I'm away.

The other day I ended up going for a walk to get some fresh air as well as a bunch of supplies.

Among the stops I had to make were the fabric store and the hardware store.  Since I try to plan my errand-running routes as efficiently as possible, these were both on my way back home. 

The fabric store was first.  I picked out a few different things, but most importantly I grabbed one yard of each of their most believably realistic fake animal furs.

When I went to the checkout counter, the nice lady who rang me up apologized for the fact that they were out of the larger size of shopping bags (this being the Christmas season) and would instead have to put my huge pile of fur into a large, clear trash bag so I could carry it home.  Since I would be on foot and it was likely to start raining before I finished the walk, I figured any bag at all was a good idea.

Then I went to the hardware store.

Picking out the handful of items I needed was only a matter of minutes.  Then, as is often my habit, I wandered around the store for a while to see if there was anything on the shelves that would seem like a solution to any of a number of problems simmering on the backburner of my to-do list.

The staff at this particular store was exceedingly helpful.  In fact, I was asked "can I help you?" so often that it started getting annoying.  Eventually I realized that this wasn't the "I'm asking because we have great service" version of "can I help you?" so much as the "would you please leave my store because I don't want you here" version of "can I help you?"

Somewhere along the way I also noticed that people were giving me occasional dirty looks.  Things were getting weird.  Had I left my fly unzipped?  A quick, discreet check verified that it wasn't the problem.  Was I wearing a t-shirt with something on it that was considered offensive by the locals?  No, I glanced down at a plain black sweater.  Did I match the description of some locally notorious sex offender?  I had no way to know.

Feeling unwelcome, I made my way to the cash register.  The girl behind the counter was courteous but curt and things still felt a bit strained.  Then, after rushing to get me out the door, she finally asks me, "What's in the bag?"

"It's a bunch of fake fur for a costume project," says I, "why?"

"Oh my God," replies she, "the manager said there was some guy wandering around the store carrying a bag of dead animals.  Looks like he was wrong."

I guess I can see where he got that idea:


Apparently it's not unheard of for folks to bring roadkill into the hardware store.

If nothing else, the reactions I got from a handful of strangers made me appreciate the suppliers and local shops that I normally deal with.  Every time I walk into the local shops back home, the folks on staff tend to ask what I'm working on and no matter what my answer is, it's never too weird.  Whenever my the representatives from my various supply companies stop by the workshop to discuss new products, the conversation is always fascinating, off-the-wall, and nobody ever bats an eye.  

That said, I kinda miss the little bits of shock value that used to come with the normal goings-on in my projects.  I think I need to start making things weirder.  Or weirder things.  Either way.

New Camera

I've got a lot of cameras.  Each one has it's own specific utility and they're great for what they do.  You may remember that I lost one of them in Steamboat Slough while out on summer cruise with the Sea Scouts.  While I was able to get away with taking pics with my bulky DSLR, I definitely missed having a pocket-sized "UFO camera*" to catch all of the moments when I'm not planning on taking pictures but I still find good ones.


I was in the store mulling over all of the choices (it seems like there's more every year) and had it narrowed down to the waterproof, crushproof, freezeproof, bulletproof Olympus Stylus camera and the updated version of my recently-departed Canon camera.  When a salesperson noticed my headscratching and came over to help, the exchange went about like so:

HE: Can I help you with anything?

ME: Well I've got it narrowed down to one of these two cameras, so can you tell me anything about them that isn't written on the display?

HE: The Canon comes in orange.

ME: Sold!

He wasn't kidding either:



I figure there's nobody in the world who would steal this camera.  Now I can grab pics of anything I spot whenever I spot it without taking crappy cellphone pics like I did when I spotted the rocketship down on the Embarcadero in San Francisco.

Not kidding:


*I like the term "UFO camera."  It's one the salesman used while we were chatting and waiting for the debit card to go through.  It strikes me as the perfect term for the camera you carry all the time, just in case.

I Wish I Was Making This Up

A Star Trek cologne:

Useful stuff for guys who want to smell like Shatner. Now all we need to find is a clip of that guy from the Old Spice commercials pushing airfare on Priceline...

This is an actual product by the way. You can pre-order it at Entertainment Earth.

M60A1 US Marine Corps Main Battle Tank

OMG WANT!



Currently listed on eBay. The description states:

"One of the very few M60's in private hands. This 1982 Chrysler built M60A1 is a USMC Desert Storm veteran. Now painted in Olive drab, it was once desert tan. The Marines were the last service to use the M60 and it has been upgraded with the reactive armor boxes that you see around the turret. There are no real guns or armament of any kind on this vehicle. All of the guns are simulated to look as original. The tank was demilled by torch cutting slices in the front hull and the turret sides. These have been repaired by welding, not with body filler. You can not tell it has been cut from the inside or outside. The tank runs and drives great. Near new track with all new road wheels. Some spare and extra parts are included. The tank is 52 tons and over 12 feet wide. It is expensive to transport. We will load at no charge and give names of transporters that can handle this super heavy load. This is the ultimate toy!"

I don't like their description though. I think I'd've pitched it more like so:

If you're looking for quality, then look no further. This tank has a cruising speed of 30mph and includes a variety of safety features such as up to three inches of reinforced steel plating and reactive armor designed to protect your passengers from short-range missile attacks. This is a 52-ton war machine!

Still not sure? Did I mention the tank is a tank?

Sold! I totally need to be a salesman!

I Don't Know What This Is, But I Want One

I was northbound on Highway 101 today, passing through Marin County and spotted this unusual motorcycle:


I'm not a huge fan of all of the OCC-style choppers that everyone gets all excited about. After a while, they've all started to look alike. I've never seen a bike like this one though:


Oddly enough, as I was passing him in traffic I decided it wouldn't surprise me if the rider was the maker:


If this is the case, I'm somewhat envious.

How to Buy a Rug

Shopping in Kabul is slightly less interesting now that we don't have Derek out here looking for furry hats and jackets:



So I've been concentrating lately on buying rugs:


There are a wide variety of rugs to be had here in Afghanistan. They come in every shape, size, and color, so you shouldn't settle for anything less than exactly what you want.


No matter how odd your tastes might be, there's something for everyone:


Once you've found a rug you think you'll like, the first step is to get a general impression of the overall piece. Remember to look at it from both sides, then turn it around and look at it from both sides again. A quality wool or silk rug will change colors dramatically when viewed from different angles and in different lighting. For example, this one was a very light wine color with brightly contrasting details when viewed from the angle where I was looking at it, but the camera captured a very different look:


If you like the overall look of a rug, you should then take a look at the back side of it as well. Check that all of the knots are straight and uniform. The smaller the knots are, the more intricate the pattern can be and the higher the price will be.


It's also important to feel the rug. As a general rule, the softer it is the more delicate it is. If you plan to place it in a high-traffic area, you should probably go with something made of wool. On the other hand, if you plan on keeping it in a low-traffic area, only occasionally sitting your bare butt on it, consider a pure silk or silk/wool combination. There are also options available involving synthetics or cotton, but they are only suitable for very high traffice areas, outdoors, or if you're a cheap bastard.


Here I'm feeling a 100% silk rug made in Iran (making it an actual Persian rug). You can shear a lot of sheep for pretty cheap, but pulling enough silk out of those little worms' butts to weave a rug is a costly proposition. I liked it, but it's the kind of quality wormpoop you pay a lot of money for.


If you don't intend to buy a particular rug, you may still get away with rubbing on it for quite a while, but don't push your luck. If your experience is anything like mine, you'll probably get kicked out of the shop after the first fifteen minutes or so.


This brings up the topic of etiquette. Many shopkeepers will offer you tea and a couple of hours of conversation. Take advantage of this. Everything in this part of the world happens through cups of tea and lengthy discussion. In fact, you probably shouldn't even start talking about prices until you know how many kids the shopkeeper has, how old they are, and so on.


I won't discuss prices here. If you'd like to know more about how to get the best price for anything, anytime and anywhere, you can purchase a copy of my book: Haggling, Bargaining, and Gouging: the Fine Art of Pissing People Off at Amazon.com for only $29.95. That's my final offer.

There are a lot of other bits and pieces about rug shopping that you may find helpful. The more you know, the better your bargaining position is, so read up. If you only take one piece of advice from me, this is it: make sure you let the shopkeepers pull rugs out of the stacks for you. This is not a task for the novice.



Good hunting.

R&R in Qatar

I'm on my last full day in Qatar, so I figured it was time for an update. My downtime here has been pretty decent. The food has been great (among other things, they have actual green lettuce!), the plumbing all works, the air doesn't make me choke, and the other cars on the street are unlikely to explode.

On the one hand it's all pretty awesome. On the other hand, it's kinda sad that this registers as awesome. In fact, on day 2 I found myself sitting in the bathroom and I was so overwhelmed by how clean it was that I almost didn't want to leave. I actually started thinking of ways that I could spend my whole day in the stall, just enjoying the cleanliness. Clearly my head needs to be recalibrated.

But I digress.

Since I arrived at about 0300 on the first day, that day counted as a travel day and not one of my four alloted R&R days. Once we were bussed over to Camp As-Sayliyah from the Air Force base where we landed, we were all briefed on what we can and can't do while we're here. We are allowed to have up to three drinks per day. We are not allowed to take pictures of the base itself. We are allowed to wear civilian clothes. We are not allowed to buy knives out in town. There's more, but it's not important.

While I'm here I'm sharing a room with seven other officers. The most junior is an Army captain and the most senior is a lieutenant colonel, but I don't see much of them. There are a lot of tours that are available for the asking, but mostly I've just been glad that I don't have to wake up early in the morning and go sit in an office for hours on end. It's better doing nothing here than it is doing nothing in a combat zone.

Since I'm not allowed to take pictures while I'm out and about on the base, I've had to settle for pictures indoors as well as out in town. Here's the view inside the "Top Off" club. Essentially it's the back half of a warehouse with bars built inside. There's also a small bowling alley, concert stage, hi-speed wireless internet, and so on.



In the same building they have the USO. It's loaded with high-end home theater setups, a whole host of video game consoles, a Green Bean coffee shop, and dozens of desktop computers and telephones so folks can browse the web or call home. It really is a pretty good deal.

One of the really impressive parts is the DFAC (Dining FACility for those of you who haven't been exposed to Army stupid) which is huge. By huge I mean a building that should be measured in acreage. There's every kind of everything you could choose to eat and lots of it. There's even a Breyer's ice cream bar inside.

I ended up sleeping through most of day zero of my R&R, but I was awake in time to grab my three drinks (they only serve alcohol from 1800 to midnight) and poke around online for a bit.

On day one I took the tour of the local "souqs" or markets. The first stop was at the gold souq, where they sell all manner of jewelry and gemstones. I ended up not buying anything there because I really didn't know what I was looking at and couldn't guess what any of it was worth.

The next stop was at the "old souq" which turned out to be pretty interesting. On the outside it was every bit the exotic, middle-eastern locale:


And on the inside it did not disappoint:

The whole place was an amazingly complex labyrinth, chock full of random knick-knackery, antiquities, and handicrafts. While it was all interesting to look at, none of it turned out to be anything I needed. While we were there, a couple of the guys and I decided to stop at a hookah bar and try some grape-flavored tobacco.

I may be limited to three drinks a day, but nobody said how much hookah smoke I could have:

There was also no limit to how much paint I could huff, but I didn't get around to that.

On day two I woke up in time for breakfast. Then I ended up camping out on base, wandering through the little base exchange and getting caught up on some reading. It was a pretty laid-back day and I had a good time. I also spent some time on one of the USO's XBOX360s and very nearly beat HALO 3 in the morning. While I've been gone the wife bought a Wii, so I may need to get myself a 360. We'll see.


On day 3 I went to the Villagio Mall, easily one of the most ridiculously ostentatious monuments to capitalism I've ever seen. Supposedly it's based on the Venetian in Las Vegas. I've never been there, so I'll have to take their word for it. All I know is that it's been a long time since I've seen such an overwhelmingly flamboyant display of affluence:

I need one.

For the most part, the stores inside are your standard collection of readily recognizable Western stores. Like Louis Vuitton:

The whole place is designed to give you the feeling you're actually walking around Venice. I've never been there either, but I do like the idea of building the outdoors indoors. I'm not sure how, but I plan on using this concept somewhere else sooner or later:

This miniature version of Venice even included canals:

Complete with gondolas:


If that wasn't goofy enough, there's also a full-sized ice-skating rink in one end of the mall. I sat and watched a few minutes of a hockey game there while I had some Coldstone ice cream. It wasn't exactly what I'd've anticipated doing during my vacation in the middle of the desert, but it was a good time all the same.

Just like any mall in the US, they had cars for sale by local dealers on display in the concourses:

Of course, theirs are a little more exotic than ours:

This is a Swedish-made Koenigsegg. I want one of them too.


It's not the 4,172cc, 806hp V8 engine that makes me want it though. Nor is it the 4,450,000 Qatari riyal (about $1.22million) price tag, or the 3.2 second 0-100 km/h accelleration. It's the all carbon fiber body with the visible laminate that really caught my eye. It looks like a really shiny grey color in the above pictures, but the real beauty of the body is only apparent when you look closer:

The down side: carbon fiber composites like this usually turn yellow and look pretty nasty after prolonged exposure to UV radiation. So the car will be gorgeous until it sits in the sun for too long. At that point, the only way to make it pretty again is to replace the entire body. I suppose that's really not a problem though unless you plan on leaving it parked outside for a few years.

There was a lot of other expensive stuff to be had there though. Like this $4,000 mirror:


It didn't take long to decide I didn't need the mirror, but I almost decided to buy this $400 checkers set (probably just because it was shiny):


In the end I settled for a cup of Starbucks coffee (21 Qatari riyals, or about $6 US) and called it good enough:


To be honest, as interesting as the place was, I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I stopped in the Carrefour store (essentially Europe's answer to Wal Mart) and was overwhelmed by the crowds. The locals are more of a cologne people than a bath people and they don't seem to have the same regard for personal space that we do in the US. So after squeezing my way through the throng to pick out a few things I decided I needed and waiting in line with a bunch of stinky folks who weren't shy about pushing or leaning against me, it was time to go back to the base. At this point I've got about a hundred dollars worth of Qatari riyals in my pocket and absolutely no desire to go out and spend them.

Day four (today) started whenever I woke up (around 1400). It's been pretty low-key so far. I'm halfway through my third glass of wine and I've just found out that I will be flying out tomorrow evening. This gives me most of the day to putter around, get packed, and so on. It also means that I can stay up late tonight with no concern for when I need to wake up.

Since I flew here on a jam-packed C-130 and the whole crowd of us are flying back at the same time, tomorrow will be another opportunity for a really jacked-up air travel story. Fun.

Stay tuned.