A Man From Halfghanistan

One of the guys I was in Durkadurkastan with just sent me this pic, so I thought I'd share:

We Really Need More of These Guys

Yesterday an insurgent suicide bomber was heading out to find his target when he stopped to say goodbye to his buddies and accidentally detonated his vest. He killed himself along with six other insurgents.

CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL STORY

Now I know there's no way this guy will be getting his 72 smokin-hot virgins, but I wonder if Allah is willing to prorate him. I mean, instead of 72 hot ones will he at least get half a dozen homely ones for trying? I'm trying to push the idea of having ISAF send his family a thank you note, a posthumous medal, or a cash bonus, but I don't think the idea will go very far.

Happy New Year

Saturday marked the first day of the Persian New Year, known locally as "Nowruz." Under the Taliban regime, the traditional celebrations (which included such sinful acts as singing, dancing, and *gasp* kite running) were banned as being against the Quran. It's hard to imagine a civilization that would ban a New Year's celebration, but then again I come from the land of MTV Spring Break and Girls Gone Wild.

Now that we're here the locals get to party like it's 1388. That's the current year according to their calendar anyway. It puts this society only 621 years behind the rest of the world, so it's probably about right.

Predictably, the Taliban had a blast:

CLICK HERE TO READ ABOUT TODAY'S INSURGENT BOMBINGS

OR HERE

OR HERE

All the while I've been here I've been trying to come up with any way that I can think of to make life better for the people here.

I'm still at a loss.

Save the Whales of Afghanistan*

Over three decades of war have wrought death and destruction across the nation, but nowhere are its effects more apparent than among the Afghan whale population. Their numbers have diminished so much that nowadays most people will tell you that they don't even exist. At the rate they’re being killed today, this common misconception could become a cold prophetic truth as the last species of Afghan whales become extinct by 2025.

In prehistoric Afghanistan, the nomadic Dirkadurka tribes would follow the whale herds across the desert, hunting them for sustenance and living in harmony with nature. But as the world's great empires began to vie for power in the region, foreign invaders with more devastating weapons began to harvest the whales and even kill them for sport.


A trio of British Army officers posed atop a trophy-sized Kandahar Humpback Whale bull, circa 1881.

Now, as the centuries have passed, the detrimental effects of prolonged warfare, poaching, widespread deforestation, soil erosion, agriculture, and over-grazing have decimated these burrowing monuments to graceful Nature.

Here we see a rare photo of "Kandy," the world's most famous Kandahar Humpback, in mid-broach:


Once great herds of beautiful creatures like her would migrate across the deserts of Kandahar, Helmand, and Nimruz, stretching as far as the eye could see. In recent decades these battle-scarred regions along the Afghan-Pakistan border see fewer and fewer new calves every year. Now she is one of only seventeen alive in the wild today, and there are too few remaining for there to be any hope of repopulating the species. Click here to listen to her soulful, haunting song.

In 1992, Afghan whalers killed the last Oruzgan Long-Finned Whale the world ever saw:


She was murdered while carrying an unborn calf. Killed only for her ambergris, which would be sold on the black market for use in perfume. Despite being one of the earliest to be placed on the endangered species list, under the lawless Taliban regime poachers were free to kill as many as they liked. Now they are only a memory, the stuff of local legend and the occasional rare photograph.

Despite their impending extinction, the local government has no plans to ban the hunting of whales in Afghanistan. Plus, even as their prey continues to diminish in numbers, Afghan whalers are constantly developing more effective tools to massacre them. Without your help, there will be no end to the carnage.

A group of Pashtun whale poachers (left) sets out for their early-morning hunt. Vehicle-mounted harpoon guns like that shown at right have killed countless whales in the unregulated wilds of Afghanistan.

The Hindu Kush Narwhal, the smallest species of Afghan whale, was completely wiped out as recently as 1997. They were killed for their luxurious hides and their tusks which were believed to have powerful aphrodisiac effects. What finally spelled their ultimate doom however, was the popularity of Dorsal soup in eastern Asian countries. It took five of these peaceful, defenseless animals to make just one quart. Now all that remains are a few scattered bones in the heights of the Hindu Kush Mountain Range.

An anonymous Taliban fighter seated alongside some Hindu Kush Narwhal vertebrae near the Khyber Pass. While they were still alive, these animals were so reclusive that they were never photographed. Now they will never be seen again.

It's not too late to save what's left of the Afghan whales. Every dollar brings us closer to our goal of building the Chakhansur Whale Reservation, a vast expanse of open terrain in the Nimruz Province where Afghan whales will once again be able to roam, free from the predations of Man. There we can continue research to benefit the Afghan whales and educate the world.

To make a donation and help preserve a piece of this gentle giant's natural habitat*, click here:

With your donation, we can ensure that these amazing animals don't become a thing of the past.

An Afghan National Police officer overlooking the sun-bleached skeleton of a Kandahar Humpback whale from his hilltop checkpoint.

*In case you haven't figured it out, this entire post is satirical. While it is potentially in poor taste, it's intended to be funny. There are no whales in Afghanistan. If you're foolish enough to actually donate to this cause, I'll gladly relieve you of your money. Just know that whatever you donate will go directly into my pocket and I will be personally spending it as wastefully and frivolously as possible. Your donations are NOT tax-deductible.